So, my good buddy Annie asked me to write a guest post about polygamy. Actually, this post grew from a single text message I received from her a few days ago that read, “I’m writing a blog about monogamy. What can you tell me about Arabic nations in regards to this issue?”
So professional. So official. But oh, my God, where do I start?
I should make it clear at the outset that I am not from an Arabic nation. I’m an American girl (raised on promises, as Tom Petty would say), but I do have a bit of a unique perspective on this issue because I’m plotting to marry a man from a Middle Eastern country.
Wait. That makes it sound like I’ve been on a quest to snag me a wealthy sheikh since I was old enough to understand the term “gold-digger.” That’s not the case at all; I’ve never had a thing for boys in thobes. I just happened to meet an Arabic boy, and after a long time of sitting around with him being friends, being my ridiculously dorky self in an utterly unabashed way, I realized that no one else in this world would ever understand me the way he does. He’s my best friend, and who in this world doesn’t want to be married to their best friend? Nothing embarrasses me with him. I am utterly myself when I am with him. Let’s put it this way; a few days ago, he found my label-maker sitting on my desk. I should have known better than to let him loose with my label-maker; now my recliner now proudly sports a label that reads, “I Need to Fart.” Had any other male person (excepting my male relatives) done something like that, I would have been mortified. (“Oh, my God, he just wrote the word ‘fart’! Does that mean he thinks I fart? Has he heard me fart?”) Instead, I just thought it was hilarious.
Ah, yes. What every girl dreams of: an amazing, close friendship with her (hopefully monogamous) future husband, built on farts.
Luckily, he feels the same way about me. So we want to get married once we’re both ready. But, of course, this means confronting a lot of issues that would never have presented themselves had he been American, or had I been Arabic. Religion. Language. How to raise children. Which country (hell, which continent) to call home.
And of course, the dreaded P word—polygamy.
The first time I actually had a conversation with my Arab, it was within the context of a classroom debate on the issue of polygamy. All of the girls in the class were vehemently opposed, and all of the boys (well, the ones that were brave enough to admit it), several of whom were Arabic, were in favor. My Arab brashly stated, “I think I will have three wives. Three, maybe four.”
Oh, really?
About a month later, when we were first getting to know each other, for some reason we got on the topic of polygamy. “But your country has marriage contracts,” I said. “Can’t women state in the marriage contract that they will be the only wife?”
He responded, “I would never marry a woman who would do that.”
Oh, really?
Of course, when it got to a point where my Arab and I started discussing marriage, I put my foot down on the polygamy thing. “If that’s not in the contract, I ain’t marryin’ you,” I said. He agreed. Somewhere between “Three, maybe four” and the realization that I might be the woman he was meant to marry, he changed his mind about polygamy. If you ask him now how many wives he wants, he will say something like, “I would never tell other Muslims how to interpret the religion. But as for me, I am a man who believes in one.”
Now that’s more like it.
I like to tell myself that my spectacular charm and wit convinced my Arab that he had no need for a second, third, or fourth wife. But I think he just realized that with this mess of a first wife, the prospect of having more just sounded like too much work.
Arabic nations that practice polygamy do so as an Islamic tradition. The Qur’an, the holy book of Islam, states that a man may have up to four wives. This is in stark contrast to Biblical tradition; men in the Bible may have had hundreds of wives. In my humble opinion, this was God’s way of saying, “Look, this is getting ridiculous.” (Keep in mind that the Qur’anic and Biblical traditions are very closely related—Muslims believe in Jesus not as the son of God, but as a revered prophet, and Muslims also believe that the Jewish scriptures, as well as the Gospels, were holy revelation from God.) However, the Qur’an goes on to say (and this is a paraphrase, of course, but an accurate translation), “You shouldn’t marry more than one wife if you can’t love and care for them all equally. And it is impossible to love them all equally.”
So, again I must defer to my humble opinion and say that I believe that God isn’t really a big fan of polygamy. But of course, when you’ve got men running the show, particularly when the show could be interpreted as allowing them to have four wives, the concept of having one wife and loving her with everything you have isn’t going to fly. Furthermore, back in the days of the prophet Muhammad and our Biblical ancestors, what options did a woman have to take care of herself and her children other than getting married? They were few and far between. How was a widow with kids supposed to support herself should her first husband die? Find herself a second husband, of course, even if it meant that she would be the second, third, or fourth wife.
Polygamy, however, is on the decrease in most Arabic countries. As it already has in most Christian societies, it’s falling out of favor. (Side note: I find it interesting that so many Christians would readily condemn Islamic cultures for their polygamous tradition when the most important men in the Bible were certainly not poster children for monogamy. How many wives did King Solomon have?) In Arabic countries, polygamy is mostly reserved for the very rich. Arabic women who become second, third, or fourth wives are likely to have been married before, and are likely marrying out of a need for financial stability or companionship, not a deep-seated love. It’s rare that a young, never married girl becomes anything other than a first wife (except in places like Yemen, and that’s a whole other story of how polygamy is deeply connected not only to the exploitation of women, but of children). More Arabic women are insisting on having the “I will be the only wife” clause in their marriage contracts. I think it’s safe to say that Arabic women do not grow up dreaming of becoming the fourth wife to a rich prince. They want the same things we American women want: love, appreciation, romance…and monogamy. Knowing that you’re not the only girl in a man’s life is probably the best romance-killer I can think of. Let’s face it, Romeo & Juliet wouldn’t have been the cross-cultural smash it is if it had been Romeo & Juliet & Roseline. Every woman wants to be the only one her man wants. There aren’t many love songs dedicated to the love and adoration of two wives. And, of course, men, especially in Arabic countries, insist on being the only one in a woman’s life when it comes to marriage. Not to be stereotypical, but I think I can safely say that Arabic men are among the most jealous in the world.
So let’s face it—we, as humans, get jealous. It’s in our nature far more than polyamory will ever be. Yes, we as a species like sex, and some people (okay, men and Samantha Jones) like to have as much of it as they possibly can, even if that means having it with lots of different people. But if it were natural for us to shy away from monogamy, we would have seen a lot more societies in history in which it’s cool if you sleep with whomever you want. No jealousies! We’ll all raise the kids together! It takes a village to raise a child, right? Well, this village will be all about sex and communal child rearing!
I don’t know much, but I’m pretty sure no society like that has ever really flourished. Nor has any polyamorous society in which women have multiple husbands. When we talk about polyamorous societies, we’re almost always talking about polygamous societies—where men have more than one wife. Here’s what I think: polygamy is a patriarchal tradition that allows men to follow wherever their libidos may lead while hiding behind the conviction that this is “what God wants.” Polygamy requires women to fight their natural convictions, needs, and jealousies, and accept the hand that has been dealt to them. Not to knock anyone who has freely chosen a polygamous lifestyle, but I don’t want any daughters I may have to grow up thinking that God is cool with her becoming anything other than a man’s only wife.
Now, I’m not saying that everyone should be forced to have one partner in their lives and that’s it. I’m sure some people really just aren’t meant for monogamy. And that’s fine. And I’m sure that there are a plethora of domestic situations that can arise among consenting adults, and again, that’s fine. Grown-ups can make their own decisions. But let’s not allow men to stake their claim to a bunch of different women and call it marriage. That isn’t marriage. I’m pretty sure I’m quoting a cheesy Jennifer Aniston movie from the late 90s here, but I’m going to say it anyway: marriage is about choosing one person and making it work, whomever that person may be. It’s a partnership. Sharing lives, problems, and joys. Building a family. It’s hard enough when you’ve got only one partner. How could anyone do it with four wives?
I know that for lots of free-thinking, open-minded, liberal people, this is going to sound like religious, nonsensical, conservative crap. Politically, I’m actually very liberal (I guess I’d have to be, to consider marrying a man from a country whose name would prompt many a Republican voter to gasp, “Oh, no! They hate America!”). And to be honest, I bet that had I not met my Arab, I wouldn’t have given the issue of polygamy too much thought. But when you’re marrying into a culture where a man can easily marry a second wife without the first one knowing, where the richest men are constantly marrying and divorcing wives, seemingly impregnating all of them, and never having less than four at a time, you start to clarify in your brain exactly where you stand on the issue and why you think that way. It’s easy to be open-minded about polygamy within the confines of a culture that forbids it—you’ll never have to think about it disrupting your own life. But when you actually have to face it head on, suddenly the issue gets put under a microscope.
The view isn’t pretty.
Go back to Mess In A Dress.
So professional. So official. But oh, my God, where do I start?
I should make it clear at the outset that I am not from an Arabic nation. I’m an American girl (raised on promises, as Tom Petty would say), but I do have a bit of a unique perspective on this issue because I’m plotting to marry a man from a Middle Eastern country.
Wait. That makes it sound like I’ve been on a quest to snag me a wealthy sheikh since I was old enough to understand the term “gold-digger.” That’s not the case at all; I’ve never had a thing for boys in thobes. I just happened to meet an Arabic boy, and after a long time of sitting around with him being friends, being my ridiculously dorky self in an utterly unabashed way, I realized that no one else in this world would ever understand me the way he does. He’s my best friend, and who in this world doesn’t want to be married to their best friend? Nothing embarrasses me with him. I am utterly myself when I am with him. Let’s put it this way; a few days ago, he found my label-maker sitting on my desk. I should have known better than to let him loose with my label-maker; now my recliner now proudly sports a label that reads, “I Need to Fart.” Had any other male person (excepting my male relatives) done something like that, I would have been mortified. (“Oh, my God, he just wrote the word ‘fart’! Does that mean he thinks I fart? Has he heard me fart?”) Instead, I just thought it was hilarious.
Ah, yes. What every girl dreams of: an amazing, close friendship with her (hopefully monogamous) future husband, built on farts.
Luckily, he feels the same way about me. So we want to get married once we’re both ready. But, of course, this means confronting a lot of issues that would never have presented themselves had he been American, or had I been Arabic. Religion. Language. How to raise children. Which country (hell, which continent) to call home.
And of course, the dreaded P word—polygamy.
The first time I actually had a conversation with my Arab, it was within the context of a classroom debate on the issue of polygamy. All of the girls in the class were vehemently opposed, and all of the boys (well, the ones that were brave enough to admit it), several of whom were Arabic, were in favor. My Arab brashly stated, “I think I will have three wives. Three, maybe four.”
Oh, really?
About a month later, when we were first getting to know each other, for some reason we got on the topic of polygamy. “But your country has marriage contracts,” I said. “Can’t women state in the marriage contract that they will be the only wife?”
He responded, “I would never marry a woman who would do that.”
Oh, really?
Of course, when it got to a point where my Arab and I started discussing marriage, I put my foot down on the polygamy thing. “If that’s not in the contract, I ain’t marryin’ you,” I said. He agreed. Somewhere between “Three, maybe four” and the realization that I might be the woman he was meant to marry, he changed his mind about polygamy. If you ask him now how many wives he wants, he will say something like, “I would never tell other Muslims how to interpret the religion. But as for me, I am a man who believes in one.”
Now that’s more like it.
I like to tell myself that my spectacular charm and wit convinced my Arab that he had no need for a second, third, or fourth wife. But I think he just realized that with this mess of a first wife, the prospect of having more just sounded like too much work.
Arabic nations that practice polygamy do so as an Islamic tradition. The Qur’an, the holy book of Islam, states that a man may have up to four wives. This is in stark contrast to Biblical tradition; men in the Bible may have had hundreds of wives. In my humble opinion, this was God’s way of saying, “Look, this is getting ridiculous.” (Keep in mind that the Qur’anic and Biblical traditions are very closely related—Muslims believe in Jesus not as the son of God, but as a revered prophet, and Muslims also believe that the Jewish scriptures, as well as the Gospels, were holy revelation from God.) However, the Qur’an goes on to say (and this is a paraphrase, of course, but an accurate translation), “You shouldn’t marry more than one wife if you can’t love and care for them all equally. And it is impossible to love them all equally.”
So, again I must defer to my humble opinion and say that I believe that God isn’t really a big fan of polygamy. But of course, when you’ve got men running the show, particularly when the show could be interpreted as allowing them to have four wives, the concept of having one wife and loving her with everything you have isn’t going to fly. Furthermore, back in the days of the prophet Muhammad and our Biblical ancestors, what options did a woman have to take care of herself and her children other than getting married? They were few and far between. How was a widow with kids supposed to support herself should her first husband die? Find herself a second husband, of course, even if it meant that she would be the second, third, or fourth wife.
Polygamy, however, is on the decrease in most Arabic countries. As it already has in most Christian societies, it’s falling out of favor. (Side note: I find it interesting that so many Christians would readily condemn Islamic cultures for their polygamous tradition when the most important men in the Bible were certainly not poster children for monogamy. How many wives did King Solomon have?) In Arabic countries, polygamy is mostly reserved for the very rich. Arabic women who become second, third, or fourth wives are likely to have been married before, and are likely marrying out of a need for financial stability or companionship, not a deep-seated love. It’s rare that a young, never married girl becomes anything other than a first wife (except in places like Yemen, and that’s a whole other story of how polygamy is deeply connected not only to the exploitation of women, but of children). More Arabic women are insisting on having the “I will be the only wife” clause in their marriage contracts. I think it’s safe to say that Arabic women do not grow up dreaming of becoming the fourth wife to a rich prince. They want the same things we American women want: love, appreciation, romance…and monogamy. Knowing that you’re not the only girl in a man’s life is probably the best romance-killer I can think of. Let’s face it, Romeo & Juliet wouldn’t have been the cross-cultural smash it is if it had been Romeo & Juliet & Roseline. Every woman wants to be the only one her man wants. There aren’t many love songs dedicated to the love and adoration of two wives. And, of course, men, especially in Arabic countries, insist on being the only one in a woman’s life when it comes to marriage. Not to be stereotypical, but I think I can safely say that Arabic men are among the most jealous in the world.
So let’s face it—we, as humans, get jealous. It’s in our nature far more than polyamory will ever be. Yes, we as a species like sex, and some people (okay, men and Samantha Jones) like to have as much of it as they possibly can, even if that means having it with lots of different people. But if it were natural for us to shy away from monogamy, we would have seen a lot more societies in history in which it’s cool if you sleep with whomever you want. No jealousies! We’ll all raise the kids together! It takes a village to raise a child, right? Well, this village will be all about sex and communal child rearing!
I don’t know much, but I’m pretty sure no society like that has ever really flourished. Nor has any polyamorous society in which women have multiple husbands. When we talk about polyamorous societies, we’re almost always talking about polygamous societies—where men have more than one wife. Here’s what I think: polygamy is a patriarchal tradition that allows men to follow wherever their libidos may lead while hiding behind the conviction that this is “what God wants.” Polygamy requires women to fight their natural convictions, needs, and jealousies, and accept the hand that has been dealt to them. Not to knock anyone who has freely chosen a polygamous lifestyle, but I don’t want any daughters I may have to grow up thinking that God is cool with her becoming anything other than a man’s only wife.
Now, I’m not saying that everyone should be forced to have one partner in their lives and that’s it. I’m sure some people really just aren’t meant for monogamy. And that’s fine. And I’m sure that there are a plethora of domestic situations that can arise among consenting adults, and again, that’s fine. Grown-ups can make their own decisions. But let’s not allow men to stake their claim to a bunch of different women and call it marriage. That isn’t marriage. I’m pretty sure I’m quoting a cheesy Jennifer Aniston movie from the late 90s here, but I’m going to say it anyway: marriage is about choosing one person and making it work, whomever that person may be. It’s a partnership. Sharing lives, problems, and joys. Building a family. It’s hard enough when you’ve got only one partner. How could anyone do it with four wives?
I know that for lots of free-thinking, open-minded, liberal people, this is going to sound like religious, nonsensical, conservative crap. Politically, I’m actually very liberal (I guess I’d have to be, to consider marrying a man from a country whose name would prompt many a Republican voter to gasp, “Oh, no! They hate America!”). And to be honest, I bet that had I not met my Arab, I wouldn’t have given the issue of polygamy too much thought. But when you’re marrying into a culture where a man can easily marry a second wife without the first one knowing, where the richest men are constantly marrying and divorcing wives, seemingly impregnating all of them, and never having less than four at a time, you start to clarify in your brain exactly where you stand on the issue and why you think that way. It’s easy to be open-minded about polygamy within the confines of a culture that forbids it—you’ll never have to think about it disrupting your own life. But when you actually have to face it head on, suddenly the issue gets put under a microscope.
The view isn’t pretty.
Go back to Mess In A Dress.
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